Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
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