wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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