when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
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