You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Randomize
