Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
