I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
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