My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
