This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
going to a night class in lingerie so i can quickly go to his house after.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
