You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Randomize
