She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Randomize
