That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
