How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
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