I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
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it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
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It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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