M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
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