So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
So at what point do I tell her that I like fucking these hot southern girls more than I like my relationship with her?
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Randomize
