Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
