just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
