there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
