I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
