you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
