It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Randomize
