Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
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How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
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Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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