If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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