saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
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