hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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