My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
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