just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
