i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
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