ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
