Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
