i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
