i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
