My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
