Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
Pooping to opera.
Randomize
