I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
