hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
