I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
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