70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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