apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
