Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I'm laying in your front yard are you home
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
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You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
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I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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