I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
