Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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