it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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