I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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