you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
