Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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