I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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