I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
