my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
