My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Randomize
