We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
