I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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