Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
