If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
You ruined the universe
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize