As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
