dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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