I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Passing las posas road. In a world of pain. Im trying to piss in a bottle through the hole in my crotch. I wish i had a bigger dick.
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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